Well, that's not EXACTLY what I mean... I suppose I really mean "I hate being single"... Although I don't think that's quite it either.
I don't quite understand what I am feeling right now, actually.
My last break up was hard... but both Robby and I know we did the right thing. That just didn't make it any easier. In fact, it might have been a little harder for me, because although I knew it was right, I STILL can't come up with a reason why.
It was totally fine to talk to Robby and be around him after that. We'd still talk to each other and joke around and well -- it was almost exactly like before we dated: very good friends. Totally ideal.
I know he develops crushes easily, so I expected that once he got over me, he'd like another girl fairly quickly. But I didn't expect him to find a girl that liked him back so quickly -- seriously, that's just extreme luck! Mutual attraction is so rare around here, it seems!
And I am SO excited for him. SO excited.
But underneath that, there's another feeling...
No, I'm not jealous that some other girl will get to have him. That's not it. No, that's not it at all. I don't want him back. But I AM jealous that he has someone and I don't.
I don't know what I was expecting to feel when I saw Robby with another girl, but this definitely wasn't it.
And then, as if that wasn't emotionally taxing enough -- an enormous portion of my female friends are leaving on missions. Excited for them? Absolutely. Jealous. Yes. I've always wanted to go on a mission... and it's not the right thing. Why? I don't know.
I'm emotionally wiped out.
So when I woke up this morning to discover that Jared (my first boyfriend) got engaged last night, guess how I felt?
That's right. Excited for him. But also VERY jealous that he has someone and I don't. And so, that was enough to tip the bucket.
I've been crying all morning.