Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
I feel like a cosine function today. Up and down... and on and on forever.
[edits made later to clarify originially unclear thoughts are in brackets]
dear blog,
I blatantly stole that intro from Rochelle's blog style, but chances are it will only be for today. Today I shall ramble because... I hurt inside.
About two weeks ago, I started dating James. Who is pretty much... awesome. And then yesterday, we stopped dating. Unfortunately (for me), he is STILL awesome. So I am a little bit miffed.
Especially because it makes me feel trigonometric. I... oscillate. One minute I'll be like... okay, okay, this [breaking up] is the right thing. And the next? I'm checking to see if I have enough money to hop on a plane and find him in London. Or Tunisia. He is in one of those places right now. The plane-hopping desires are probably not healthy. Or wise.
Ironically -- three weeks ago I hated boys because I hated being single.
Today I am single again, and... the idea of being un-single makes me feel a little nervous and uneasy. [I don't really want to date right now.] So I kind of hate boys for the opposite reason.
It is because of such occurrences that I have come to the conclusion that I, like all women, have no clue what I actually want. It is a darned good thing that I have a loving Father in Heaven who somehow DOES know what I want... [BECAUSE after some time of reflection I discovered that I am doing the right thing, because it IS what I want. It took a long time to figure it out. But God knew, even when my own confused, muddled feelings were too difficult to sort through.]
I am also worried about James, because I really care about him, and I really love it when he is happy. He was... unhappy when I last saw him. And I was too... hugely because he was sad and confused. Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise that I will not see him for two weeks... I might take better care of myself than I would have otherwise.
I am worried about work... work work work. I'm a TA for a particularly challenging chemistry class. Analytical chemistry. I love the subject.
But sometimes I do not love the TA position. Usually these times include non-chemistry gifted students... I understand them, kind of. I will probably never be gifted at economics, or physics, or perhaps even organic chemistry...
I'm just worried that I'm dealing with them in entirely the wrong way! See, I wonder, for instance about the whole giving your students a fish/ teaching them to fish sort of thing. Most of the students don't know how to think in a way that is conducive to good chemistry work. My job isn't ACTUALLY to teach them chemistry. It's to teach them chemistry thinking skills.
I was also stressing out about how the class was split in two... The whole class can't fit in one lab room, so half are in the north lab and the others are in the south lab. I patrol the north lab to answer questions and concerns... These are my students.
I was a little freaked out when I started to notice a trend... the student on the other side were scoring higher on quizzes. And only students (and a fair number of them, actually) on my side failed to include important stuff in their lab notebooks.
So, for a short while, I was scared that this was occurring because I was a bad TA... and who knows, this could be it. It might actually be that somehow, the smarter students just happened to choose the south lab.
I felt better today when I saw that the students in my lab scored about 5-10 points higher than the students in the other lab. Did I feel super good about that? Actually... yes.
Am I prideful?
Yes, I think so. I require humbling.
Maybe I will clean my apartment this week. I have like clean cleaned it for a while. I crave the clean clean though, so I should do it. It will also be a good thing.
There are new men in the ward. Some of them are cute. I hate when that happens, especially when it means I am single and they can ask me on dates. Crap.
I still do not know where I am going to live for the next fall/winter. Also crap.
And, as of today, here is the rest of my school plans until I graduate. DUDE. It is close enough that I can plan this much. Also also crap.
Fall 2010: biochemistry 1, cell biology, advanced physiology lab, civilization 2/arts, university chorale, advanced social dance, and the second half of the D&C.
Winter 2011: biochemistry 2, bioethics, behavioral neuroscience, advanced neuroscience, neuroscience lab, advanced social dance, and the second half of the OT.
Spring & Summer 2011: human anatomy, statistics, civilization 1, first half of the D&C, and then perhaps one last semester of advanced social dance.
AUGUST 2011: GRADU-FREAKY-ATION!
Sound good to you? Me freaking too. But also also also crap. That is a LOT of science. Well... I do have to freaking FINISH MY MAJOR. And none of this science nonsense that I need is even offered for spring/summer. Sadness of days, indeed.
And what is also^4 crap? I have no clue what I'll do after graduation. I take comfort in planning my life out in as much detail as possible. And the way my life is going I also planned that Winter 2011 would be the worst time to be planning a wedding. So I've decided in my mortal wisdom that if I get married in 2011... it will have to be in January before that semester starts, or in September. Which might be pretty darned perfect... engagement pictures in spring would be good.
Unfortunately, this whole planning your wedding thing when you don't know who your eternal companion is or when you and him will get married is inherently flawed. This is also^5 crap. Nevertheless I picked out my wedding colors... erm... recently. Royal blue and pale gold. White and black accents. Classy? Yes.
But... besides colors... I don't want to think about weddings right now.
dear blog,
I blatantly stole that intro from Rochelle's blog style, but chances are it will only be for today. Today I shall ramble because... I hurt inside.
About two weeks ago, I started dating James. Who is pretty much... awesome. And then yesterday, we stopped dating. Unfortunately (for me), he is STILL awesome. So I am a little bit miffed.
Especially because it makes me feel trigonometric. I... oscillate. One minute I'll be like... okay, okay, this [breaking up] is the right thing. And the next? I'm checking to see if I have enough money to hop on a plane and find him in London. Or Tunisia. He is in one of those places right now. The plane-hopping desires are probably not healthy. Or wise.
Ironically -- three weeks ago I hated boys because I hated being single.
Today I am single again, and... the idea of being un-single makes me feel a little nervous and uneasy. [I don't really want to date right now.] So I kind of hate boys for the opposite reason.
It is because of such occurrences that I have come to the conclusion that I, like all women, have no clue what I actually want. It is a darned good thing that I have a loving Father in Heaven who somehow DOES know what I want... [BECAUSE after some time of reflection I discovered that I am doing the right thing, because it IS what I want. It took a long time to figure it out. But God knew, even when my own confused, muddled feelings were too difficult to sort through.]
I am also worried about James, because I really care about him, and I really love it when he is happy. He was... unhappy when I last saw him. And I was too... hugely because he was sad and confused. Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise that I will not see him for two weeks... I might take better care of myself than I would have otherwise.
I am worried about work... work work work. I'm a TA for a particularly challenging chemistry class. Analytical chemistry. I love the subject.
But sometimes I do not love the TA position. Usually these times include non-chemistry gifted students... I understand them, kind of. I will probably never be gifted at economics, or physics, or perhaps even organic chemistry...
I'm just worried that I'm dealing with them in entirely the wrong way! See, I wonder, for instance about the whole giving your students a fish/ teaching them to fish sort of thing. Most of the students don't know how to think in a way that is conducive to good chemistry work. My job isn't ACTUALLY to teach them chemistry. It's to teach them chemistry thinking skills.
I was also stressing out about how the class was split in two... The whole class can't fit in one lab room, so half are in the north lab and the others are in the south lab. I patrol the north lab to answer questions and concerns... These are my students.
I was a little freaked out when I started to notice a trend... the student on the other side were scoring higher on quizzes. And only students (and a fair number of them, actually) on my side failed to include important stuff in their lab notebooks.
So, for a short while, I was scared that this was occurring because I was a bad TA... and who knows, this could be it. It might actually be that somehow, the smarter students just happened to choose the south lab.
I felt better today when I saw that the students in my lab scored about 5-10 points higher than the students in the other lab. Did I feel super good about that? Actually... yes.
Am I prideful?
Yes, I think so. I require humbling.
Maybe I will clean my apartment this week. I have like clean cleaned it for a while. I crave the clean clean though, so I should do it. It will also be a good thing.
There are new men in the ward. Some of them are cute. I hate when that happens, especially when it means I am single and they can ask me on dates. Crap.
I still do not know where I am going to live for the next fall/winter. Also crap.
And, as of today, here is the rest of my school plans until I graduate. DUDE. It is close enough that I can plan this much. Also also crap.
Fall 2010: biochemistry 1, cell biology, advanced physiology lab, civilization 2/arts, university chorale, advanced social dance, and the second half of the D&C.
Winter 2011: biochemistry 2, bioethics, behavioral neuroscience, advanced neuroscience, neuroscience lab, advanced social dance, and the second half of the OT.
Spring & Summer 2011: human anatomy, statistics, civilization 1, first half of the D&C, and then perhaps one last semester of advanced social dance.
AUGUST 2011: GRADU-FREAKY-ATION!
Sound good to you? Me freaking too. But also also also crap. That is a LOT of science. Well... I do have to freaking FINISH MY MAJOR. And none of this science nonsense that I need is even offered for spring/summer. Sadness of days, indeed.
And what is also^4 crap? I have no clue what I'll do after graduation. I take comfort in planning my life out in as much detail as possible. And the way my life is going I also planned that Winter 2011 would be the worst time to be planning a wedding. So I've decided in my mortal wisdom that if I get married in 2011... it will have to be in January before that semester starts, or in September. Which might be pretty darned perfect... engagement pictures in spring would be good.
Unfortunately, this whole planning your wedding thing when you don't know who your eternal companion is or when you and him will get married is inherently flawed. This is also^5 crap. Nevertheless I picked out my wedding colors... erm... recently. Royal blue and pale gold. White and black accents. Classy? Yes.
But... besides colors... I don't want to think about weddings right now.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Hmmm... Hobbies?
It came to my attention as soon as I finished up this last semester that I really have no hobbies. This is a direct result of never having free time. How incredibly lame. Especially when you're on a date and guy asks, "So... what do you do in your free time?"
Yeah. I have no good answer. At all. Mostly I'd spend my time studying, sleeping, dancing, sleeping, studying, sleeping, and you know... eating. Nom nom nom.
In the last few school-less weeks, I've noticed a few other things I like to do with my free time.
1) Movies. I've been watching a movie nearly every night for a few months. Who knew?
2) Reading. I did like to do this when I was little. I've been craving a good read... and alas, I have no books.
3) People. I like finding people I love, listening to them, and doing what they want to do.
4) Coloring. I knew this. It just never came to mind as a hobby.
5) Writing. I also love to write, and so... I should do that more often.
6) Cooking/baking. I need to make a pie for May. It might have to be chocolate creme because I heart chocolate creme.
7) Others yet to be discovered...
I've still been super busy... except for homework... there isn't any. None. Whoa! As for work though, I love both my jobs. The Chemistry Central Stockroom is so wonderful. The manager, Gypzy, is so cool. And the assistant manager, Linda, is so sweet and maternal, it just makes me warm fuzzy. That place is just fun. I think I want to get those two Mother's Day presents. Because, um, they're cool. And they've been like mothers to me. I'm also a teaching assistant for analytical chemistry. I love that too.
Except when I get really dumb questions. Like when a student has a very obviously green solution, and pesters me, begging me to tell them if their solution is green. It seems like none of them have any confidence in the laboratory. (Well, that's an exaggeration... not all of them asked me color questions.)
And then one poor student was partially color blind, and really couldn't tell if his solution was a certain color or not. I was totally fed up with this kid, until he finally mentioned in a bit of embarrassment that no really -- he couldn't tell. Color blind! Yikes. That made me feel a bit bad...
Anything else exciting in my life?
... Oh, duh. Boyfriend! Eee! His name is James and he's fun, and smart, and exciting, and good-looking, and I like him, and he likes me, and he's got some mad skills. But I'm not one to go on and on and on about boys. I'm still not quite okay with this whole not being immune to crushes thing. And he is, however, leaving Provo in a few months... which does make me squirm a little. Squirm. Squirm. Squirm.
Okay, I'm done. I have to run out the door in seven minutes to get to work on time.
Yeah. I have no good answer. At all. Mostly I'd spend my time studying, sleeping, dancing, sleeping, studying, sleeping, and you know... eating. Nom nom nom.
In the last few school-less weeks, I've noticed a few other things I like to do with my free time.
1) Movies. I've been watching a movie nearly every night for a few months. Who knew?
2) Reading. I did like to do this when I was little. I've been craving a good read... and alas, I have no books.
3) People. I like finding people I love, listening to them, and doing what they want to do.
4) Coloring. I knew this. It just never came to mind as a hobby.
5) Writing. I also love to write, and so... I should do that more often.
6) Cooking/baking. I need to make a pie for May. It might have to be chocolate creme because I heart chocolate creme.
7) Others yet to be discovered...
I've still been super busy... except for homework... there isn't any. None. Whoa! As for work though, I love both my jobs. The Chemistry Central Stockroom is so wonderful. The manager, Gypzy, is so cool. And the assistant manager, Linda, is so sweet and maternal, it just makes me warm fuzzy. That place is just fun. I think I want to get those two Mother's Day presents. Because, um, they're cool. And they've been like mothers to me. I'm also a teaching assistant for analytical chemistry. I love that too.
Except when I get really dumb questions. Like when a student has a very obviously green solution, and pesters me, begging me to tell them if their solution is green. It seems like none of them have any confidence in the laboratory. (Well, that's an exaggeration... not all of them asked me color questions.)
And then one poor student was partially color blind, and really couldn't tell if his solution was a certain color or not. I was totally fed up with this kid, until he finally mentioned in a bit of embarrassment that no really -- he couldn't tell. Color blind! Yikes. That made me feel a bit bad...
Anything else exciting in my life?
... Oh, duh. Boyfriend! Eee! His name is James and he's fun, and smart, and exciting, and good-looking, and I like him, and he likes me, and he's got some mad skills. But I'm not one to go on and on and on about boys. I'm still not quite okay with this whole not being immune to crushes thing. And he is, however, leaving Provo in a few months... which does make me squirm a little. Squirm. Squirm. Squirm.
Okay, I'm done. I have to run out the door in seven minutes to get to work on time.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Hmmm...
So, ironically, my last post was entitled, I HATE BOYS. Because I was single and I hated it. But I'm not single anymore... Tengo un novio. Eeee! I think this means I should update this a little more often... Far too much happens in between updates. Sigh.
Monday, April 19, 2010
I Hate Boys
Well, that's not EXACTLY what I mean... I suppose I really mean "I hate being single"... Although I don't think that's quite it either.
I don't quite understand what I am feeling right now, actually.
My last break up was hard... but both Robby and I know we did the right thing. That just didn't make it any easier. In fact, it might have been a little harder for me, because although I knew it was right, I STILL can't come up with a reason why.
It was totally fine to talk to Robby and be around him after that. We'd still talk to each other and joke around and well -- it was almost exactly like before we dated: very good friends. Totally ideal.
I know he develops crushes easily, so I expected that once he got over me, he'd like another girl fairly quickly. But I didn't expect him to find a girl that liked him back so quickly -- seriously, that's just extreme luck! Mutual attraction is so rare around here, it seems!
And I am SO excited for him. SO excited.
But underneath that, there's another feeling...
Jealousy.
No, I'm not jealous that some other girl will get to have him. That's not it. No, that's not it at all. I don't want him back. But I AM jealous that he has someone and I don't.
I don't know what I was expecting to feel when I saw Robby with another girl, but this definitely wasn't it.
And then, as if that wasn't emotionally taxing enough -- an enormous portion of my female friends are leaving on missions. Excited for them? Absolutely. Jealous. Yes. I've always wanted to go on a mission... and it's not the right thing. Why? I don't know.
I'm emotionally wiped out.
So when I woke up this morning to discover that Jared (my first boyfriend) got engaged last night, guess how I felt?
That's right. Excited for him. But also VERY jealous that he has someone and I don't. And so, that was enough to tip the bucket.
I've been crying all morning.
I don't quite understand what I am feeling right now, actually.
My last break up was hard... but both Robby and I know we did the right thing. That just didn't make it any easier. In fact, it might have been a little harder for me, because although I knew it was right, I STILL can't come up with a reason why.
It was totally fine to talk to Robby and be around him after that. We'd still talk to each other and joke around and well -- it was almost exactly like before we dated: very good friends. Totally ideal.
I know he develops crushes easily, so I expected that once he got over me, he'd like another girl fairly quickly. But I didn't expect him to find a girl that liked him back so quickly -- seriously, that's just extreme luck! Mutual attraction is so rare around here, it seems!
And I am SO excited for him. SO excited.
But underneath that, there's another feeling...
Jealousy.
No, I'm not jealous that some other girl will get to have him. That's not it. No, that's not it at all. I don't want him back. But I AM jealous that he has someone and I don't.
I don't know what I was expecting to feel when I saw Robby with another girl, but this definitely wasn't it.
And then, as if that wasn't emotionally taxing enough -- an enormous portion of my female friends are leaving on missions. Excited for them? Absolutely. Jealous. Yes. I've always wanted to go on a mission... and it's not the right thing. Why? I don't know.
I'm emotionally wiped out.
So when I woke up this morning to discover that Jared (my first boyfriend) got engaged last night, guess how I felt?
That's right. Excited for him. But also VERY jealous that he has someone and I don't. And so, that was enough to tip the bucket.
I've been crying all morning.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Eeeeeee!
Erik Lovell is back. (He's a freshman friend.) And! Oh gosh, he'll be here for the spring term! That's so sooooon. Eee!
Even more ee-worthy?
Today I was helping out with the dance medals exams... when I ran across a Silver American for a Nathan Dudley. I swear my heartbeat doubled instantly. THIS IS CLIFTON'S LITTLE BROTHER. I NEED TO HUG THIS MAN. I could barely even type the data in and print off his certificate. Then I ran to go give it to him, when I realized that I'd forgotten his medal. So I ran back, grabbed it, and then found him.
"You're Clifton's brother?!"
"Yes, I am!"
I don't know how excited I looked, but I'm pretty sure it was pretty obvious, because Nathan said, "I don't know who you are, but HUG!"
And hug! It was sooo good! I haven't had any hugs like this since freshman year! (I swear all the talented huggers left after freshman year because I have been wistfully searching for such hugs since their departure.)
I finally explained myself, and he informed me that CLIFTON IS COMING TO PROVO FOR SUMMER TERM! Um, excitement? YES. Two extra months with brother? YES. I can hardly refrain from wiggling.
June 2010 is going to be the LONGEST month of my life.
Even more ee-worthy?
Today I was helping out with the dance medals exams... when I ran across a Silver American for a Nathan Dudley. I swear my heartbeat doubled instantly. THIS IS CLIFTON'S LITTLE BROTHER. I NEED TO HUG THIS MAN. I could barely even type the data in and print off his certificate. Then I ran to go give it to him, when I realized that I'd forgotten his medal. So I ran back, grabbed it, and then found him.
"You're Clifton's brother?!"
"Yes, I am!"
I don't know how excited I looked, but I'm pretty sure it was pretty obvious, because Nathan said, "I don't know who you are, but HUG!"
And hug! It was sooo good! I haven't had any hugs like this since freshman year! (I swear all the talented huggers left after freshman year because I have been wistfully searching for such hugs since their departure.)
I finally explained myself, and he informed me that CLIFTON IS COMING TO PROVO FOR SUMMER TERM! Um, excitement? YES. Two extra months with brother? YES. I can hardly refrain from wiggling.
June 2010 is going to be the LONGEST month of my life.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Close to Home
So yesterday instead of doing homework, I went to a friend's family dinner. It was actually on a whim, because SOMEHOW her mother accidentally invited her brother's FHE sister. So, in an attempt to not make it awkward for the girl, my friend was to bring along a friend as well.
I loved it; her family is refreshingly nerdly.
However, one part of it hit rather close to home. Her family has been convinced since freshman year that she'll marry a certain missionary. And then he came back... and he didn't make any effort to date her or even be super good friends. She took this a little hard, because admittedly, she did kind of like him. And it really didn't help that he was super cute.
But some of her family members wouldn't let it go. The teasing and egging escalated until finally my friend broke down into tears, admitting that she really was very upset that since getting back from his mission, he hadn't shown any interest in dating her and begging everyone to please just stop talking about it.
Silence fell across the room. And then, almost obliviously, her grandfather asked if the guy had talked to her at all.
Bad move. All the women in the room shushed him violently, and next thing I know, my friend is dragging me out of the room. She drags me into the bathroom where she cries on my shoulder.
And it sunk in that I might be in the same boat not too long from now. My family (and actually, a good portion of my friends too... eek!!!) is pretty convinced I'm going to marry a certain guy too. I find it quite annoying. Even more annoying though, is the fact that I really do really like him and I STILL haven't gotten over it.
So it is far too easy to imagine myself in my friend's place. And while I hold her, I start tearing up too.
I loved it; her family is refreshingly nerdly.
However, one part of it hit rather close to home. Her family has been convinced since freshman year that she'll marry a certain missionary. And then he came back... and he didn't make any effort to date her or even be super good friends. She took this a little hard, because admittedly, she did kind of like him. And it really didn't help that he was super cute.
But some of her family members wouldn't let it go. The teasing and egging escalated until finally my friend broke down into tears, admitting that she really was very upset that since getting back from his mission, he hadn't shown any interest in dating her and begging everyone to please just stop talking about it.
Silence fell across the room. And then, almost obliviously, her grandfather asked if the guy had talked to her at all.
Bad move. All the women in the room shushed him violently, and next thing I know, my friend is dragging me out of the room. She drags me into the bathroom where she cries on my shoulder.
And it sunk in that I might be in the same boat not too long from now. My family (and actually, a good portion of my friends too... eek!!!) is pretty convinced I'm going to marry a certain guy too. I find it quite annoying. Even more annoying though, is the fact that I really do really like him and I STILL haven't gotten over it.
So it is far too easy to imagine myself in my friend's place. And while I hold her, I start tearing up too.
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