Monday, May 17, 2010

I feel like a cosine function today. Up and down... and on and on forever.

[edits made later to clarify originially unclear thoughts are in brackets]

dear blog,

I blatantly stole that intro from Rochelle's blog style, but chances are it will only be for today. Today I shall ramble because... I hurt inside.

About two weeks ago, I started dating James. Who is pretty much... awesome. And then yesterday, we stopped dating. Unfortunately (for me), he is STILL awesome. So I am a little bit miffed.

Especially because it makes me feel trigonometric. I... oscillate. One minute I'll be like... okay, okay, this [breaking up] is the right thing. And the next? I'm checking to see if I have enough money to hop on a plane and find him in London. Or Tunisia. He is in one of those places right now. The plane-hopping desires are probably not healthy. Or wise.

Ironically -- three weeks ago I hated boys because I hated being single.

Today I am single again, and... the idea of being un-single makes me feel a little nervous and uneasy. [I don't really want to date right now.] So I kind of hate boys for the opposite reason.

It is because of such occurrences that I have come to the conclusion that I, like all women, have no clue what I actually want. It is a darned good thing that I have a loving Father in Heaven who somehow DOES know what I want... [BECAUSE after some time of reflection I discovered that I am doing the right thing, because it IS what I want. It took a long time to figure it out. But God knew, even when my own confused, muddled feelings were too difficult to sort through.]

I am also worried about James, because I really care about him, and I really love it when he is happy. He was... unhappy when I last saw him. And I was too... hugely because he was sad and confused. Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise that I will not see him for two weeks... I might take better care of myself than I would have otherwise.

I am worried about work... work work work. I'm a TA for a particularly challenging chemistry class. Analytical chemistry. I love the subject.

But sometimes I do not love the TA position. Usually these times include non-chemistry gifted students... I understand them, kind of. I will probably never be gifted at economics, or physics, or perhaps even organic chemistry...

I'm just worried that I'm dealing with them in entirely the wrong way! See, I wonder, for instance about the whole giving your students a fish/ teaching them to fish sort of thing. Most of the students don't know how to think in a way that is conducive to good chemistry work. My job isn't ACTUALLY to teach them chemistry. It's to teach them chemistry thinking skills.

I was also stressing out about how the class was split in two... The whole class can't fit in one lab room, so half are in the north lab and the others are in the south lab. I patrol the north lab to answer questions and concerns... These are my students.

I was a little freaked out when I started to notice a trend... the student on the other side were scoring higher on quizzes. And only students (and a fair number of them, actually) on my side failed to include important stuff in their lab notebooks.

So, for a short while, I was scared that this was occurring because I was a bad TA... and who knows, this could be it. It might actually be that somehow, the smarter students just happened to choose the south lab.

I felt better today when I saw that the students in my lab scored about 5-10 points higher than the students in the other lab. Did I feel super good about that? Actually... yes.

Am I prideful?

Yes, I think so. I require humbling.

Maybe I will clean my apartment this week. I have like clean cleaned it for a while. I crave the clean clean though, so I should do it. It will also be a good thing.

There are new men in the ward. Some of them are cute. I hate when that happens, especially when it means I am single and they can ask me on dates. Crap.

I still do not know where I am going to live for the next fall/winter. Also crap.

And, as of today, here is the rest of my school plans until I graduate. DUDE. It is close enough that I can plan this much. Also also crap.

Fall 2010: biochemistry 1, cell biology, advanced physiology lab, civilization 2/arts, university chorale, advanced social dance, and the second half of the D&C.

Winter 2011: biochemistry 2, bioethics, behavioral neuroscience, advanced neuroscience, neuroscience lab, advanced social dance, and the second half of the OT.

Spring & Summer 2011: human anatomy, statistics, civilization 1, first half of the D&C, and then perhaps one last semester of advanced social dance.


Sound good to you? Me freaking too. But also also also crap. That is a LOT of science. Well... I do have to freaking FINISH MY MAJOR. And none of this science nonsense that I need is even offered for spring/summer. Sadness of days, indeed.

And what is also^4 crap? I have no clue what I'll do after graduation. I take comfort in planning my life out in as much detail as possible. And the way my life is going I also planned that Winter 2011 would be the worst time to be planning a wedding. So I've decided in my mortal wisdom that if I get married in 2011... it will have to be in January before that semester starts, or in September. Which might be pretty darned perfect... engagement pictures in spring would be good.

Unfortunately, this whole planning your wedding thing when you don't know who your eternal companion is or when you and him will get married is inherently flawed. This is also^5 crap. Nevertheless I picked out my wedding colors... erm... recently. Royal blue and pale gold. White and black accents. Classy? Yes.

But... besides colors... I don't want to think about weddings right now.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Jenna~Just a thought. You can't expect God to pop down and tell you what you should or shouldn't do with your life. Especially your dating life. It doesn't work like that! I'm so confused by your post. You say all these great things about this awesome guy that you obviously still have feelings for, and then say you broke it off because "God hasn't told you what you want yet". Sorry to break it to ya honey, but God ain't gonna tell ya! He's waiting for YOU to make a decision! So buck up, make a conscious CHOICE and go for it! (Young Women values ring a bell?) You are the master of your own life. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. ;) It's time to take a shot at something worth pursuing and show Heavenly Father what YOU want to do with the beautiful life he has given you. :)